Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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