its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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