1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
