I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
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