i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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