I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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