I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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