DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Houston, we have a squirter
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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