I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
