Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
