he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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