Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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