alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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