Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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