Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
