I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
