i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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