Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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