Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
