Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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