I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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