Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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