the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
