He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
