life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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