I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
