I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
