I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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