I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
