he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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