I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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