we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
