I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
