last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
