Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
time to smoke my breakfast
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
