do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
