Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
