so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
