Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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