Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just gargled with NyQuil
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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