You were right. It hurts to walk today.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
