i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
