i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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