when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That accounts for only three of the penises
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
