so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
