I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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