I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
