Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
