I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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