i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
