I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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