U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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