hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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